As part of my pursuit of self-development in the realms of sociability and communication, I recently read Dale Carnegie’s popular handbook How to Win Friends and Influence People. My overall impression is that the consensus opinion of the content here is both overblown and overrated. I failed to find either the manipulation-manual or the people-pleasing pocketbook which reviewers often allude to, no doubt due to the general rule according to which the stronger impression grows in the most genial soil already found there. Instead, this is a fairly basic book of communication skills, especially useful for managing prickly people. The lack of objective backing for any of the claims made by Carnegie renders the information highly dubious, although it appeals to popular anecdotes, business experiences, and common sense for the most part. As far as it goes, there are some interesting, useful principles to keep in mind for smoothing communication in various relationship. These notes distill the essence of the book and serve as a useful reminder of the recommended techniques. I would advise against rigidly adopting any of what follows as a matter of habit or personality, against Carnegie own recommendation in the introduction, and instead, I would treat these observations as a tool-box with potential applicability, to consider in situations where ordinary people-skills fall short.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People:
PRINCIPLE 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism, and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.”
As Dr. Johnson said, “God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.” Why should you and I?
PRINCIPLE 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.
Some of the things most people want include:
1. Health and the preservation of life.
2. Food.
3. Sleep.
4. Money and the things money will buy.
5. Life in the hereafter.
6. Sexual gratification.
7. The well-being of our children.
8. A feeling of importance.
Almost all these wants are usually gratified—all except one. But there is one longing—almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep—which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls “the desire to be great.” It is what Dewey calls the “desire to be important”.
In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy. Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips.
PRINCIPLE 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
If out of reading this book you get just one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle—if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.
Six Ways to Make People Like You:
PRINCIPLE 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says, “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
PRINCIPLE 2: Smile.
The chairman of the board of directors of one of the largest rubber companies ‘in the United States told me that, according to his observations, people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it. This industrial leader doesn’t put much faith in the old adage that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door to our desires, “I have known people,” he said, “who succeeded because they had a rip-roaring good time conducting their business. Later, I saw those people change as the fun became work. The business had grown dull, they lost all joy in it, and they failed.”
Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it:
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. “Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there...”
Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude—the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.
PRINCIPLE 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
PRINCIPLE 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
PRINCIPLE 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
PRINCIPLE 6: Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past.
There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey, as we have already noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William James said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” As I have already pointed out, it is this urge that differentiates us from the animals. It is this urge that has been responsible for civilization itself.
You don’t have to wait until you are ambassador to France or chairman of the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy of appreciation. You can work magic with it almost every day.
If, for example, the waitress brings us mashed potatoes when we have ordered French fries, let’s say, “I’m sorry to trouble you, but I prefer French fries.” She’ll probably reply, “No trouble at all” and will be glad to change the potatoes, because we have shown respect for her.
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to...?” “Won't you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you”—little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life—and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.
Emerson said, “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking:
PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
PRINCIPLE 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You're wrong.”
Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
PRINCIPLE 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
PRINCIPLE 4: Begin in a friendly way.
PRINCIPLE 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes”, immediately.
Socrates, “the gadfly of Athens,” was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.
His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the ‘Socratic method’, was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’s remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question—a question that will get the “yes, yes” response.
PRINCIPLE 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
PRINCIPLE 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay “Self-Reliance” stated, “In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty.”
PRINCIPLE 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
If, as a result of reading this book, you get only one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own - if you get only that one thing from this book, it may easily prove to be one of the stepping stones of your career.
“Stop a minute,” says Kenneth M. Goode in his book How to Turn People Into Gold, “stop a minute to contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the same way! Then, along with Lincoln and Roosevelt, you will have grasped the only solid foundation for interpersonal relationships; namely, that success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other persons’ viewpoint.”
PRINCIPLE 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
PRINCIPLE 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
PRINCIPLE 11: Dramatize your ideas.
PRINCIPLE 12: Throw down a challenge.
I have never found,” said Harvey S. Firestone, founder of the great Firestone Tire and Rubber Company, “that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself.”
Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavorial scientists, concurred. He studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor—the one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No, not any of those. The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
How To Change People Without Giving Offence Or Arousing Resentment:
PRINCIPLE 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
PRINCIPLE 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
PRINCIPLE 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
PRINCIPLE 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
PRINCIPLE 5: Let the other person save face.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. The legendary French aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry wrote: "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
PRINCIPLE 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
Listen to these sage words from William James, one of the most distinguished psychologists and philosophers America has ever produced: “Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.”
PRINCIPLE 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
“The average person,” said Samuel Vauclain, then president of the Baldwin Locomotive Works, "can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
PRINCIPLE 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
PRINCIPLE 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants.
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
